Miserable At Best
by Jayjayk023
Summary: It ended it a rush of emotions that left Kendall hurting in more ways than one. James/Kendall. Warnings: Angst, self mutilation, teenage drinking, mentions of sex, male/male, suicide attempt, beating. Katie, Kendall sibling love to make up


Kendall pulled the light green pillow closer to his face to muffle his sobs, as he brought himself back into the real world. It was five years to the date since his dad died, and Kendall always had a problem with getting over the date. He only needed the one day to cry and then the next he would be back to normal. Mrs. Knight had flown Katie, and Kendall back out to Minnesota knowing that Gustavo and Kelly would watch Carlos, Logan and James for the four days they would be gone. She needed a few days to get over her husbands death and didn't want the others to see her go into a mental breakdown. Katie barely remembered her dad, but from all the stories she had heard from her older brother and her mom she knew he was a good man.

Katie climbed into bed with Kendall and with her hand made small circles on his back. The hardest day of the year, the next being father's day though then she knew he hid his feelings better than this.

"Katie." Kendall sobbed.

"I'm here. I know what an awful moment to ask but do you think you could maybe tell me a story of dad? I can't remember him and as each year goes by he becomes a memory to me."

"Yeah, I can." Kendall swiped his nose across his long sleeve shirt before sitting up and pulling Katie into his lap.

"Make it a good story Kendall! Cry if you want but I still want the story, but I couldn't ask mom I mean she is a wreck."

"Well back when I was first starting off hockey,"

"Oh God, not a hockey story. What does that have to do with dad?"

"If you let me finish. Back at the beginning of my hockey career mom didn't want me to and I remember dad just begging her to let me. He was all like 'every man needs to learn to play hockey so we can beat the Canadians in the Olympics!' God he was always joking how I would bring the family name into every household with my ability to play.

"I thought he was just joking when he threw me out on the ice for the first time in my life. I had to learn to sink or swim. Though my first broken bone," Kendall motioned to the scar on his wrist, " he was the first one out of his seat and running out on the ice to check to see if I was okay. He wanted us to try new things but the first time we got injured he would want to take us out of it. He was the greatest." Kendall sniffled before smoothing his little sister's hair down.

"I know you are not just crying over Dad, so who is it?" Katie looked through her bangs to see the expression on her brother's face change in a moment.

"James. I have a bad feeling that he is going to hurt me while I am away."

"Kendall, stop. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you, I know James just like I know you. He would never hurt you on purpose."

"I just have this bad feeling, Katie what if he does though?"

"Then I will rip him to shreds with my bare hands." Katie giggled.

"Ha, you are so funny." Kendall rolled his eyes before laying back down with the pillow pulled closer to his chest.

Katie walked out of the room hoping she is right about James' character because she would hate to see the consequences if she were wrong.

Kendall studied himself in the mirror, his eyes were blood shot and puffy, his cheeks stained with tears, his hair going in so many different directions he looked like a mad scientist. He shook off his thoughts and picked up the phone to call James. He just needed something soothing, something to make him feel safe again.

"Hey, it's James, I can't reach the phone right now so I will call you back later."

"Hey James, it's Kendall, when you get this message please call me back. I really need someone to help me out about now." Kendall sighed before laying his phone on the cabinet.

He slipped on his shoes before walking to the bathroom. He told himself he wouldn't do it again, but the need to let himself go just made it harder for him to ignore the calling. He had Katie, but she was ten and he was sixteen and she could only help for so long. Carlos, Logan and James were the ones to put it in perspective that he had to stop or death would take him away from his family.

Kendall shook his head before slamming his hand into the mirror letting the shards of glass go shattering into his knuckles and into the sink. The red of the blood from his knuckles turning the white sink a color of pink. He whimpered at the pain, before picking up a shard of glass and digging it into his wrist making the blood start pouring from the fresh wound.

He turned on the sink and ran his many new cuts from breaking the mirror and self mutilating himself in the water. Kendall hissed as the water stung and cleaned the wounds from hopefully getting infected. He grabbed the gauze and the wrap to wrap up his hand and wrist. He cut two different pieces of cloth to make sure the guys didn't know he had started cutting again. If they found out they would find out he was pathetic and couldn't take rejection and loss well. James would worry and he didn't want to make his boyfriend worry over him. If Gustavo found out he might kick him out of the band and he didn't want to lose the band after everything they had been through to get the band to become a band.

Kendall pulled his long sleeve shirt over his wrist before he walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge to see the booze. Scotch, wine, bourbon. Alcohol, maybe would help him escape from these bad times.

"No you don't." Katie took the liquor from her brother.

"Thank you." Barely a whisper.

"That is what I am here for. Now go finish packing Mom wants us to get to the airport early tomorrow."

Kendall nodded before heading back into his old room.

The plane had come to a screeching halt on the gravel. Los Angeles, new home sweet home. Kendall knew that once he saw his friends he would be alright again and jump out of his depressing mood. They would be able to talk some sense into him, again. Every year they had the talk of what cutting could do to them if Kendall cut to deep and died. That was how James admitted that he liked Kendall.

Kendall opened the door to the apartment to see Carlos standing there blocking the door.

"Carlos?"

"No, you can't come in."

"Why?" Kendall pushed Carlos out of the way to see James scrambling to put his pants back on while Logan pulled his shirt over his head.

"Kendall,"James opened his mouth.

"No, I don't want to hear it. You guys knew that this time of year has always been the hardest for me and you ass holes have gone and done this! I thought you guys were suppose to be my friends and my boyfriend, but I see, Logan, James are neither. Thanks Carlos for trying to protect me but it didn't work." Kendall screamed before walking out of the apartment.

Kendall walked to the cliff before sitting on the edge and letting the sob that had been gathering in his chest since he had seen them. He pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed into them. He had never been hurt so bad in his life, especially by his friends. Friends were suppose to protect you when your parents couldn't anymore. All the times he had whispered in James ear that he loved him meant nothing. It was all just bull shit. Love is for cowards who hasn't had their hearts crushed.

Kendall got up and walked to the little restaurant that was situated near the cliff. Kendall walked through the door and sat down at the counter. A lady with red hair that was pinned up on top of her head walked over to Kendall.

"What can I get you darling?"The name tag read Joanna.

"A cup of coffee and banana pancakes if you don't mind."

'How could I have been so stupid? The longing glances in the studio and the sneaky glances at the apartment when they thought I couldn't see it. How could my thoughts have been so blocked?'

Joanna walked back over with the cup of coffee and his pancakes. She gave a smile at Kendall before sitting across from him. He was the only customer at the time and she could see that something was going through the young man's mind and that bothered her.

"Honey, is something bothering you?" Joanna snapped her gum.

"Yes, but I really don't want to talk about. I can't believe it myself so thank you for your concern but not now and probably not ever am I ever going to talk about it."

"I understand hun. I mean last week I walked in on my husband cheating with my with some blonde bimbo who was not going to make it as an actress."

"I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I walked in on my boyfriend and one of my best friends earlier today. I know what you are going through Joanna."

"I'm glad I am not the only one." Joanna gave a small smile before getting up to pour her self a cup of coffee.

"Where can I pay you?"

"It is on the house." Joanna winked before waving to the young man as he walked out the door.

Kendall walked through the streets knowing night was not the best time for going out and walking. The whores had taken their places on the street ready to spread their legs at the drop of a dime. The drugs dealers had already parked their cars waiting for their clients to show up.

"Give me your money and no one will get hurt." A growl in Kendall's ear.

"I don't have any. I promise."

"Then just beating the shit out of you will just have to do."

A fist to Kendall's face unsteadied him and made him hit the floor where the man continued to kick him all over his body. After what felt like hours the beating came to a stop. Blood was running from his temple, nose, lip and everywhere else felt like he had been abused and beaten with a baseball bat. Kendall stayed laying on the ground until his breathing was even but he couldn't and his vision was getting blurry. He drug out his cell phone and pressed a speed dial, not caring who answered because at this point he was injured and broken.

"Dog, why the hell are you calling me at two thirty in the morning? This better be good."

"Gustavo, I need help. I'm hurt and.."

Kendall woke up to bright lights, machines whirring to life and the sound of worried voices. A small groan came out of his mouth before he closed his eyes again. He liked dream land better then the real world at the moment. It was comfortable and he didn't have to deal what had happened with James and Logan and the man with the gun and holy shit was he in the hospital. Kendall jerked open his eyes to see the worried looks from Gustavo, Kelly, Katie, Mama, Carlos, Logan and James. James went out to touch his arm.

"Don't you dare touch me." Kendall growled before trying to move out of James' grasp.

"Kendall," James sighed.

"Kendall, why?" Mama Knight took a seat on the side of the bed before letting her fingers run through his hair.

"Mom, I'm hurting." Kendall looked up glancing around the room. Each of them wearing worried looks and glancing at his head then at his wrist, and oh god. They found out about him cutting.

"Kendall, you promised us you would stop." Carlos whispered.

"I did, and I broke it. James wouldn't answer his phone I guess because him and Logan were to busy fucking like rabbits and I needed to get away. Then I saw them and I ran out and I was mugged so the part about being in the hospital, not my fault. Now, can you guys just leave, I need time to think."

"I'm not leaving you." Katie sat on the bed and grabbed for her brother's non injured hand.

"Katie, I know you don't want to leave me but I need you to."

"No."

"Katie, please." Kendall pleaded his eyes going a soft color of blue.

"Kendall, I'm not leaving. I need to make sure you are okay. Mom is staying too because we both know she would not leave you in a time of crisis."

"Fine. Gustavo, thank you."

"Kid, you called me all I had to do was call the police." Gustavo nodded as he left out the door with Kelly following and the rest of his band mates marching behind them.

Kendall looked up at his mom and then at his little sister. His mom had started crying and Katie just held on tighter to his hands as she pressed her head into the crook of his neck.

"I didn't know you took your dad's death so hard."

"Mom, don't worry. I won't do it again. Knowing my luck when I get home Carlos will sit me down and demand me to promise I will not do it again."

"I know, but why didn't you come to me?"

"You had to deal on your own, I knew that."

"What happened with James, you seemed so cold to him?"

"Mom, not with Katie in the room."

"No, I need to know why my baby boy is hurt."

"I also need to know who I have to beat up for making you run away." Katie nudged her brother's leg.

"Both Logan and James. God, I am an idiot! I thought he really loved me you know? I thought we were going to end up together until we were old but then again fairy tales are just made up to put little kids to sleep at night and are not suppose to come true. I caught them in the act. James was cheating and I am fucked, and broken and mentally disturbed and missing my father. Mom, I want to go back to Minnesota. Screw the band, becoming famous. I never wanted any of it anyway. I wanted to be a hockey player like Dad wanted me to be."

"Baby, fairy tales do come true. I had one. Your father and I were madly in love with each other. I know some day your prince charming will come to your rescue. I don't know about leaving back to Minnesota considering I see the look in your eyes when you go to sing. You enjoy it. This thing with James and Logan, it will blow over."

"Mom, I just don't think it will this time." Kendall looked down to the IV in his arm.

"Katie, where are you going?" Their mother looked up to see her youngest daughter trying to sneak out the door.

"I am going to get some thing to eat. You want anything?" Katie smiled sweetly.

"No, just be good, please."

Katie walked into the waiting room to see all the earlier occupants from her brother's room was sitting there. Katie stormed over to where James and Logan were sitting sharing guilty looks while Carlos was fidgeting with his helmet. Gustavo was on the phone and Kelly was sitting looking over everyone seeing how they were each taking what was going on.

"You, and you. You did this to him! He is my brother, the only father figure I have had. You broke his heart, how could you do that to him? He loved you, more than you would think. And you, I thought you were his friend, not some home wrecker. I looked up to both of you as if you were both my brothers but now I only see scum that needs to wiped clean of my brother's life. Because of both of you he ran off to get mugged. I hope that you both feel good about this."

"Katie, you have to let us explain."Logan started.

"No, I am glad Kendall wants to move back to Minnesota, though I know in the end he wouldn't want to ruin any of your dreams. Especially yours James." Katie wiped her eyes before heading in to the cafeteria.

"Dogs, you fix this! You fix this now! I will not lose another band to a fight over boyfriends!" Gustavo walked away with Kelly behind him leaving the remaining boys to put their heads into their hands.

"Katie is right." Carlos whispered.

"What?" Logan looked up.

"She is right. It is both your faults that he ran. You decided to have sex and you are now dealing with the consequences, I hope you are happy. You have torn up a family, torn up the only family I fit into." Carlos went following Katie to the cafeteria leaving his helmet in the seat he was occupying earlier.

James rubbed his eyes before staring down at his black Vans. They all were right, it was his fault. James sighed before getting up and walking up to Kendall's door.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to try to fix things. If I don't then no one will."

Carlos sat across from Katie who was sobbing now. Carlos let a few tears slip out himself before getting up and rubbing Katie's back like his Mom used to do for him and his sister's whenever they were hurt or sick. Katie looked up at the doe eyes that were trying to comfort her before giving a small smile at her brother.

"When I was five my mom died giving birth to my younger brother who only lived a year before becoming a crib case. My Papa wanted nothing to do with me until I was twelve. My abuela and tio raised me until Papa came to his senses and realized I looked a lot more like my mom then my sister's did. Your brother was the first one to comfort me when she died and that was why I was the first one to comfort him when your dad died. I knew what it had gone through to lose a parent even at a young age I knew. I may seem like the air head of the bunch and the always playful one but I have to be because someone always has to liven the mood. I break the tension and right about now I feel useless because I can't help anyone. The others might not notice but I try to protect them from situations that they don't need to be in."

"Carlos, why is everyone so fucked up?"

"First, you don't need to be using that word until you are at least sixteen, and the answer I don't know. I mean each of us has a background that is not worth anything. I mean my background is not the greatest, Logan's isn't and James is okay, but Kendall and you, you guys have the most normal one out of us all."

"What is wrong with Logan's past? I never really thought he was that bad."

"He lived with his Aunt and Uncle for a reason. I thought you knew the reason, behind him living with them and moving to Minnesota."

"No, no one told me."

"It is also the reason he wants to become a doctor. When he was living in Texas with his parents, I guess his Dad got really mad one night and decided that shooting his wife and his son's mother was a good idea. His even worst idea was stabbing her six times afterward. Mr. Mitchell was not a nice guy from the stories Logan told us. From what I know, Mr. Mitchell then went back to the garage after he had done that and left to go to a bar. Logan found her when he came downstairs after the yelling had ceased and saw his mom lying in all that blood and called 911 but when they got there it was already way to late to save her. She had lost a lot of blood. After that Logan swore that he would try to save lives and make sure no one had to go through a lost like he did."

"I am still mad at him, but I feel sorry for him too."

"Don't. I hurt your family, I believe things happen for a reason. That is just the bad in my life to get me to here. I mean, if that had not happened I would not have met any of you and now I know you guys are regretting me meeting you but I still think of you guys as my brother and my sister." Logan sat down across form the other two.

"Logan, I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed." Carlos sighed.

"Carlos come on, scream at me, I know you want to. I mean Katie already has and she is ten, and Katie be mad at me for however long you need. I tried to take away something from you that was not mine to take."

"God, why do you have to be logical even in these situations?" Katie laid her head down on the table.

"Your right Logan, I am mad at you. No, I am extremely pissed, you have fucked up everything. I thought moving here wouldn't change us, we promised it wouldn't change us, but James decided to cheat, and you decided to be the mistress in the relationship. You both have changed, you have changed so much. I try to think that it will pass and we will go back to being the four hockey players from Minnesota who just got a chance at their dreams. I am starting to think that Kendall, Katie and I have been the only ones that have not changed. I know my own bout of homesickness, but Kendall and Katie haven't. Go back to being the Logan who was all logic and saying how dumb our plans are. I need that Logan back, not the one who just goes with the flow."

James walked into the hospital, looking at Mama Knight with a pleading look and she just nodded before getting up and walking out of the room to go find her daughter.

James stood near the door if Kendall didn't want to hear him out, which would more than likely happen but he didn't want to have to think of that. He knew what he wanted to say and that was it and if Kendall didn't like it then he was going to have to hear him anyway.

"James, I don't want to talk to talk to you." Kendall looked away from James and to the pale bland wall that was accustomed to every hospital room.

"I don't care. I want to talk to you, and you can not listen to me but I have something to say. Kendall Francis Knight, I am in love with you."

"Really now, you sure have a funny way of showing it."

"No, I don't know what was going through my mind, I was just desperate and horny, because you know how horny I get, and those are lousy excuses, I know but I love you so much."

"James, you may say you love me but you don't know what love is. Love is not when you cheat on them with one of their best friends. I have seen love, I watched love for the first ten years of my life and then it was taken away from me. I thought I found love in you, but maybe I was wrong, I don't even know anymore. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and thrown on to the floor just to get stomped on. I can't even breath anymore, maybe you should go James. Just for a little bit, maybe we can work this out but you never know."

James just shook his head before walking into the waiting room yanking at his hair and let the tears fall from his eyes.

Kendall walked into the Palm Woods days later to walk right into Camille. Kendall coughed as he rubbed his already bruised chest. Camille looked up at Kendall to see the bruises that outlined his eyes, and jaw line. She gave a small smile at him before hugging him very lightly.

"I'm so sorry." Camille sobbed.

"It is fine. It didn't really hurt that much. What's wrong Camille?"

"I need to know the truth. Did Logan cheat on me?"

"I don't want to tell you, I don't want you to hurt him. I don't want anyone else to hurt over this mess. I don't want to hurt anymore."

"Kendall, look at me. I need to know, I need to know that I was right. I don't want to stay with him if he did that stuff to me."

"Camille, yes. Please, don't do anything stupid. Only one person needs to do anything stupid and I claimed that status when I was younger. Camille, you will find your prince, just like the rest of us. We are teenagers we are suppose to go through relationships that we think is love and then it turns out we were wrong. We will all find that special someone one day and when you do, invite me to the wedding." Kendall tried to end the speech on a happy note but it didn't seem to phase Camille at all.

"Kendall, thank you for being honest. I knew you were the one I could count on to be honest with me."

"No problem."

"I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I could make it better, but this time around I know I can't."

"Thank Camille, I am going to go up to my room now."

Camille nodded her head as she watched one of her best and only friends take the walk of shame back to his apartment.

Kendall walked into their, no scratch that his room walking straight to the closet before grabbing his skates. He could feel James' eyes following him as he walked across the room. Kendall turned around to see James try to avert his eyes.

"Maybe, I should start rooming with Carlos." Kendall scratched the back of his head before slinging his other pair of skates into the bag.

"Oh, okay, I will let Logan know, I guess." James saw Kendall pick up the figure skates that no one knew other than him, Katie and Mama Knight knew that he had.

Kendall nodded before heading over to Katie's room and knocking on the door.

"Hmm?"

"Going to the rink. Want to go?"

Katie hadn't skated in years but knew that if her brother was asking then she had to go. Something was bothering him more than he was letting on to and she was going to find out. Katie grabbed her pair of skates before heading out the door taking her brother's hand trying to comfort him. Mrs. Knight watched as her two children left hand in hand. It had been years since she had seen them holding hands because Katie thought she was not a baby anymore and Kendall didn't want to have to hold his baby sister's hand after he had started middle school.

Katie watched her brother skate around the ice with his hands behind his back and his head in the clouds. They were the only two in the rink at that point in time and Katie was being cautious about getting on the ice.

"Kendall, are you even suppose to be doing stuff like that? I mean you just got out of the hospital four hours ago."

"I don't care. Katie get on the ice already, you are not going to fall. Even after not doing it for so long when you get back on the ice it will come naturally, just like riding a bike. You never forget your skills."

Katie hit the ground leaving her pants wet and cold, "You are such a liar."

"No, you just have a thing with falling."

Katie laughed at her brother, noting that in the first time in a week and a half he was acting normal. Kendall jumped into the air doing an Axel, landing perfectly. If her brother was not so into hockey and singing she knew figure skating would be at the top of his list.

"What is bothering you?" Katie skated finally getting her ice legs back.

"Nothing, not really. I just had to tell Camille that Logan was cheating on her. I broke up a good relationship."

"She deserved the truth and you gave it to her because nobody else had the guts to. You did the right thing now do another Axel and quit whining." Katie spun in a counterclockwise position.

The air became chilly, but the two kept skating. Kendall needed to get out all the anger and frustration he had and Katie was there for moral support when he finally broke down and couldn't skate anymore. She would be there to pick him up and help take off the skates and put on his regular shoes then help him stumble back to the Palm Woods where there she would let Carlos help get Kendall back to his room.

"Kendall, can I ask you some thing and you not get mad?"

"Depends on the question."

"Why did you cut yourself? How long has it been going on? Why didn't you tell Mom or I, we could have helped you?"

"That was more than one question, but I will answer them. I cut myself because I needed an escape from the real world. It has been going on for quite some time, but there is a lot of time in between, I had the guys tell me to stop and I did. I didn't tell you or mom because I didn't want either of you to worry about it. You both already had so much to worry about."

"Alright."

The peace and serenity of the rink was great until she heard the first sob come out of her brother's mouth. Katie looked up from what she was doing to see her brother making his way over to the side of the rink where he could hold himself up and make his way over to the opening where he could drop down on a bench.

Katie skated over to the side and took off her skates to put on her tennis shoes as she watches her brother remove the left skate before collapsing into his emotions. Katie, watches before pulling off the right skate and pushing his right foot that was covered by a pink sock, obviously changed color in the wash. She tied his shoe before going on to the left foot, this one had a white sock on it. Katie sighed before pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.

"Hello?" Carlos' voice was gritty just like everyone's when they first wake up.

"Carlos, do you think you could help me get Kendall home?"

"Yeah I can. Where are you guys, it is midnight?"

"The ice rink, Kendall needed to let some emotions out."

"Alright, I will see you guys in a few minutes."

The phone went dead.

Carlos, an older brother that just wasn't blood related. A friend of the family before she was even born and became her second brother when she realized that every time she turned around Carlos and her brother were linked at the hip. Then James started coming around, a best friend and a brother to her who helped her overcome stage fright when she had to give an oral report. Then she caught Kendall and James kissing one night back when they were both trying to figure out how they could make a long distance relationship work even though James was mad that Kendall got picked to go to Los Angeles instead of him. Then there was Logan, the last to be accepted into the group. He was the one who helped her do her math homework because she couldn't figure it out. Now though it was just the original three, Carlos, Kendall and her. They would defend each other until the end and not let anything bad happen to the other.

The door slammed causing Kendall to jump and look up to see Carlos walking over to them in nothing but his Scooby- Doo pajama pants and the red shirt he had been wearing that day. His hair was sticking up in two different directions and the bags of his eyes were more prominent that ever. Carlos walked over to Kendall before pulling an arm over his shoulder.

Miranda watched on as she saw her son being dragged into the apartment. She shook her head before seeing the door close to Katie's room then Carlos and Kendall's room. Miranda grabbed a glass out of the pantry and filled it with water, watching as the cup overfilled and the water when pouring over the side. She took the glass and took a drink.

'If John was here he would know what to do because I sure as hell don't.' Miranda thought wrapping her blonde hair into a bun.

A door creaked open and she watched James slowly close the bedroom door and tip toe across the living room and into the kitchen. He turned on the light and turned jumping after seeing Miranda sitting there.

"James, we need to talk. I have been trying to avoid this but after seeing him come in like he did I think we really need to discuss somethings."

"Yes ma'am." The one conversation James had been trying to avoid.

"I have a few questions that I want answered, some might be a little bit personal but I need an answer to them."

"I understand." James nodded.

"Do you love my baby boy?"

"Mrs. Knight I don't know how I can convince you of this, but I truly am. With every ounce of my body I am in love with your son."

"Did you two ever um, have sexual relations?" Miranda shook her head to shake away the feeling of just getting up and leaving because she really didn't want to know the answer.

James blanched, "Momma K, I mean really is that necessary. Ugh, Kendall is going to kill me, no. He still has his virginity. I didn't push him into anything he didn't want to do so when he told me to fuck off when I tried to get in his pants I got the picture and obliged to get off him and let him think."

"Phew, thank God. Did you have sex with Logan?" Another question she really didn't want the answer to but needed to know.

"No. I can swear on my life that I never had sex with Logan. I have never wanted to and never will want to have sex with Logan."

"Then why the hell didn't you tell Kendall that?" Miranda was fuming.

"I tried. He didn't let me get a word out of my mouth before he screamed at me and then ran off."

"You should have stopped him! If you had then he would not have run off and the gotten himself in the situation of getting himself beat up." Miranda couldn't control her emotions before breaking into a sob.

James looked to see Momma Knight crying and he slowly made his way to her side. He placed a hand on her back and started rubbing it in circles trying to calm her down. He had only seen Mrs. Knight cry a few times in his life and that was only when Mr. Knight had died. James still wished he was around to help Mrs. Knight, Kendall and Katie because no matter how hard they tried they still showed signs that they missed him even when they thought no one was looking.

Miranda had let her guard down, and she knew she was not suppose to do that when she wanted to be interrogating the boy that broke her sons heart, "Do you think you and Kendall can fix this?"

"I don't know. We can try but he does not even want to talk to me at this moment. I want to at least try and fix it because what we had was great, no it was better than great it was perfect. Then I fucked it up."

"Wait, if you and Logan weren't having sex then what were you two doing?"

"We fell asleep on the couch watching some movie, I promise, that was all we were doing."

"Then why did Carlos not want Kendall to see?"

"I really have no idea. I wonder what goes through his mind half the time and then I stop because I know I won't like whatever is going through it."

"James, go to bed. I need time to think and you need to sleep. Kelly is coming by at nine to pick you guys up and have a major therapy session with Gustavo."

"Oh joy." James trudged back into the room that he was now having to share with Logan instead of Kendall.

At exactly nine o'clock Kelly was at the door and dragging all the boys out by their ears and into the limo. Gustavo would fix this, she had seen him do it before and now she knew that he would work extra hard to fix these four. He liked them, he liked them a lot. She saw it in the way he would smile at her after they finished singing something good or the way he yelled at them because that was just how he expressed his feelings even if it did scare the living daylights out of everyone he was around.

"You. Will. Sit. Right. Now." Gustavo growled pointing at each boy and to a seat.

They did as told and looked at the man they saw in front of them. No more was he the producer who just wanted everything perfect, now he was just the producer who wanted the best fro them.

"You four are going to fix things, right here, right now. I have a therapist on call but I would not want to call her so we six will have to fix this ourselves."

Again the boys nodded in agreement as Kelly closed the door and locked it. She sat on Gustavo's desk and Gustavo sat in his chair behind the desk.

"Why do I have to be here? I didn't do anything, it was them who did it." Carlos pointed at his friends.

"You are here because you will be the happy medium plus I know at some point this will cause a rift between you and those three." Gustavo glared at the Latino boy.

"Who wants to start this wonderful talk?" Kelly smiled at the boys.

It grew quiet and the air conditioner kicked on causing everyone in the room to look around.

"If you don't pick, then I will." Gustavo growled at the dogs.

Again it grew to a silence with everyone looking in shifty directions hoping they wouldn't get picked first.

"Fine, Carlos you are going first. Also one rule to get straight. No interrupting each other because then I would have to stop a fight and I really don't want to have to do that."

"What do I really have to say? I don't really have any problems so there is nothing to talk about." Carlos turned his back on his friends.

"That right there means that there is something wrong. You all promised that you wouldn't turn your backs on each other and Carlos look what you are doing. There is something wrong so just admit it." Kelly looked at the shortest boy and he just looked away trying to avoid her gaze.

"Carlos, please this is an say-whatever-the-hell-you-want-and-get-away-with-it room."Gustavo stared intently at his dogs.

"I don't really know how I feel anymore. I loved that we got the chance to record, but back then we all got along. Now, though if we aren't fighting we are glaring and on the few rare occasions we are all hanging out by the pool acting like we did before the fame got to us. I want to go back to whatever it was we had before LA got to us. James and Kendall were all cuddly and shit and sure I wanted to vomit because of how cute they were but that was just normal. Then Logan, I mean I love Logan, he is my brother, had to go and do something to ruin whatever relationship James and Kendall had. It was like they were hanging on by a strand anyway because you could see the love they both had for each other but they fought way more frequent then usual. I just don't really know what I can do to fix anything and it is so confusing to me because I usually like to fix things with my humor, but this little stunt can't be fixed by a laugh or a smile so I feel useless." Carlos pulled his legs to his chest and sat his chin down on top of them.

Gustavo nodded liking that he had one of his dogs open up, "Kendall."

Kendall shook his head not knowing what would come out of his mouth and if he would just blow up on everyone.

"Kendall, please we need to know. If it was not important we wouldn't be asking you this."Kelly gave a knowing look at Kendall but he avoiding the eye contact to.

Taking a deep breathe and glancing at the five other people in the room, "If I could sum up the way I was feeling I would but it isn't that easy. Betrayed, angry, heart broken, shocked, sad, those all come to my mind."

"You want to elaborate a little there?" Gustavo glanced over his glasses and saw the bruise on Kendall's face had started becoming a ugly yellow color like it was healing but still wanted people to know that he had been a fight that almost cost him his life.

"Betrayed by James," Kendall looked over at the tallest member of his band to see he was listening, like he wanted to fix things, "I thought we had something real, but love just over shadows the way you think. Angry at Logan, best friends don't steal other best friend's boyfriends,"

"I didn't,"

"I said no interrupting dog!" Logan flinched away before going back to listening to Kendall tell his side knowing it was going to be his in due time.

"Heart broken because I loved James and that happened to be a lie. Shocked because I would never think that I would have walked in on seeing that. Sad that we ended things the way we did. I don't have any solutions, I'm all out of giving my opinion on stuff that does not matter anymore. What has been has done its damage and that can't be fixed easily. Can I be done?"

"Yeah, you can be done." Gustavo saw his best dog turn to the window to see that the sun had slowly started to go behind a cloud.

"Logan or James. A penny for your thoughts." Kelly tried to lighten the mood knowing today was going to be a dark and dreary day for all of them.

"I'll go." James looked up from where he was sitting and saw the shock on each of their faces. They thought he was going to go last, but all the bottled up emotion needed to get the hell out of him.

"Go ahead." Logan made a hand motion before staring at Kendall who had started to slowly turn so he could watch the expressions on James' face.

"I would like to state that I didn't sleep with Logan. I would never do something like that to Kendall. I do love him with all my heart, but as you can tell how well that worked out. I didn't answer my phone when you called me because I was to busy trying to get Carlos out of the air vents and if I remember correctly I was in charge of him. What you saw when you opened the door was Logan and I passed out on the couch after watching a movie. Again I would not sleep with Logan because I like my men with muscle and meat on their bone. Logan is just to scrawny for me."

"What?" Logan stared wide eyed at James.

"Again with the interrupting. One more time and I will duck tape your mouth shut." Gustavo glared at the small brunette, who just nodded with content before covering his mouth with his hand.

"I just want to fix things. It does not mean we have to get back together, but can we at least try to be friends again?" James stared at Kendall waiting for an answer.

"I think, friends could work." Kendall slowly pulled the words out of his mind and out of his mouth. James smiled at Kendall who only blinked in response.

"Can I go yet?" Logan asked cautiously.

"Yes, go."

"You three are my brothers, you know my background and can still live with that. I would never want to hurt you guys. Especially you two,"Logan looked at James and Kendall, "please just stop being mad at each other and fucking make up already. I'm done, there really isn't anything else to say because James explained the situation."

"Was that that hard?" Gustavo looked at the dogs in front of him.

They each shook their heads no before getting up and walking out of the room.

"I didn't know their would be this much drama with these boys." Kelly took a seat across from Gustavo sighing.

"Me either. I just pray this does not happen again." Gustavo rubbed his nose which helped ease his headache. These boys knew just how to push him over the edge and give him a headache.

Kendall smiled before turning on his way to the cliff and the restaurant. Praying this time he wouldn't get mugged on his way back to the apartment.

"Kendall where are you going?" Carlos asked placing his helmet on his head.

"I was going to get something to eat, you want to come?"

"Might as well." They both turned to Logan and James.

"Naw, I have to make an appointment." James smiled at Kendall and Carlos knowing good and well that he was asked but not welcomed, plus he had to go somewhere anyway.

"I have to go talk to Camille. I want to fix things with her, hopefully she believes me when I say I didn't cheat on her." Logan smiled before going on his way to the Palm Woods.

Kendall internally winced knowing he had caused that nasty break up. He felt A heavy weight jump on him and coughed.

"Carlos, off now. I was in the hospital remember."

"I know, but come on one piggy back ride. Plus I know you went skating so you are not hurt that bad."

Kendall chuckled as he heaved Carlos all the way to the restaurant before dropping him on his ass. He stopped to catch his breathe before opening up the doors to see the same red haired lady who had helped him out the first time. She smiled at him before setting down two menus on the bar. Carlos looked around the diner before looking at Kendall.

"Is this where you went after the fight?" Carlos sounded like a small child.

"Yeah. It helped me out and Joanna is really nice when it comes to talking it out." Kendall smiled at the woman.

"I see you and your boyfriend worked things out." Her southern accent made everything sound a little like they were down south even though they were in California.

"Uh, us no."Kendall pointed at Carlos and then at himself.

"Then you fixed things with the best friend who fucked him?" Joanna's eyebrow rose in a confused way.

"Nope, he is a little taller then myself." Carlos laughed.

"Then you are already dating again?" Joanna smacked her gum.

"Us, oh no! We are just friends, best friends, more like brothers." Kendall rushed the words out of his mouth and Carlos eyes were wide.

"Oh, well then what can I get you my darlings?" Joanna felt lost because it seemed like they were close.

Carlos looked down at the menu in his hands. Nothing appealed to him but he was hungry and knew he had to eat something.

"Can I get a hamburger with everything on it, a order of fries and a chocolate milkshake." Carlos handed the menu back to Joanna with Kendall laughing beside him.

"Same except I don't want lettuce on mine." Kendall handed the menu back to Joanna before turning to look at Carlos with a smile that he hadn't used since before he left for Minnesota.

Ten minutes later their food was placed in front of them and they ate in silence. Carlos dipped one of his fries into his milkshake before eating it and Kendall has a disgusted look on his face.

"That is gross."

"It is good."

"Your dumb."

"Nobody asked for your opinion." Carlos threw his napkin at Kendall.

"Asshole." Kendall mumbled.

"So, do you take all your dates here or just special ones?" Carlos winked before bursting out laughing.

"I take all my dates here. Last one I brought had a name of misery and despair." Kendall looked at Carlos before smirking.

"You are officially a fun sucker."

"Alright, I can deal with that, but can you my friend if I am a fun sucker?"

"We have been friends for eleven years, I think being your friend for the rest of my life will be fine." Carlos poked Kendall in the cheek.

Kendall rolled his eyes before taking the last sip of his milkshake. He went digging into his pocket to get his wallet and placing the amount for his and Carlos' lunch plus a tip for his favorite red haired waitress. Joanna smiled and gave a small wave to the boys before turning back to the counter to clean up.

"My turn." Kendall hoped onto Carlos' back and heard a groan escape Carlos' mouth.

"You are heavy."

Kendall smirked as he sat comfortably on Carlos. They walked down the same street Kendall had and he winced inwardly knowing the memory still made Kendall have nightmares about it. The man with the gun and whispering such slander in his ears. Making him fear the dark corridors of the night where someone could sneak up and press a gun... Kendall shook his head and removed the dark thoughts from his head.

The apartment door flew open and Logan looked up from his book to see Carlos and Kendall come falling into the apartment. Kendall falling on top of Carlos who after hitting the ground and having Kendall fall on him made a sound that could be mistaken of a whine. Kendall was in fits of laughter and grabbing at his stomach as he tried to calm his fit of giggles which only sent him into another. Logan realized that Kendall was laughing, actually laughing like he was happy.

"Your ass is to heavy to carry a mile then up three flights of stairs. Never ever doing that again." Carlos wheezed.

"You are a liar." Kendall, wiping his eyes from the tears that had come down his face when he was laughing.

"Eh, I would rather be a liar then a fat ass."

"I am all muscle,so I have no idea what you are talking about."Kendall smiled.

"That is what they all say."

Carlos picked himself up off the floor and walked over to the couch seeing that Logan had watched them fighting and had said not a word. Kendall had gotten up and sat on the floor in front of the television with his back resting against the couch but was to lazy to actually get up onto the couch. Logan looked down at his friend before looking back at his book and started reading again.

Thirty minutes later the door opened and closed, this time without a crash of two bodies, and all three boys turned to look who had just come in. There stood James with a fresh new hairstyle. Gone were the long locks, but his hair still looked good and styled. All three boys stared wide eyed, James loved his hair why would he cut it all off?

"What in the world?" Carlos asked getting up and walking over to James.

"Don't touch." James blocked Carlos' hand.

"Why did you cut your hair? I mean you love your hair." Kendall asked from his spot. Kendall knew just how much James loved his hair, it made him who he was and now without it he seemed different and a little lost.

"I thought I needed to change so why not cut off my locks who defined me. I need to change not just for my sake but for everyone's." James smiled at Kendall. Yup the spark and the worry were still there.

"You didn't need to change." Logan stated pointing with his book at James.

"Don't point at me like that." James pointed right back.

Miranda and Katie strolled through the door only to stop in their tracks to see the scene in front of them. Kendall had a smile on his face that lit up the room because he was actually happy, Logan was on the floor with Carlos on top of him tickling him, and James was encouraging the smaller boy to get him. Miranda and Katie turned to each other and smiled at each other before setting down their shopping bags and sitting on the couch. Katie hugged her brother while Miranda watched her sons, both biologically and non, smile and joke around.

'Oh, yes they can work this out like I knew they would.'

A/N This was originally a short little one shot and then this moster took place. This is the longest one shot I have ever written and would like to say that I am proud of it. It is my child. You don't know how much time I spent on this thing working and fretting and hoping the readers like it. My baby has finally grown up and I am glad. The song was originaly based off Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade but the story line strayed off by alot but the story wrote itself. The ending may not be the best, but I'm content with it because I wouldn't have a better way to end it other than that. If I had ended it like it was originaly suppose to I might have been chased down with pitch forks and fire. I would like to say that to everyone who reviews that I love you because school is starting soon so I might not be able to send my love to you later. That was also the reason the story ended like it did. I wanted it out before school started as a last little thing to publish before hell starts. I do not own Big Time Rush because if I did I wouldn't be writing about them.

XOXO, CSICMNCISFREAK

PS: I also just barely missed the 10,000 mark, that was my goal but every good thing comes to an end. Also please read and review because I need those good thoughts as I enter a new school year and a new school.


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